Ignore the name. I just couldn't think of anything catchy or eye-appealing.
Today was a horrid day. Today was a good day. How? Let me explain.
Today was fine until a friend brought something up. She was interested in doing something that Jesus preached Christians should do. Taking His words literally. Her idea was to sell something that was of value to us and using that money to give back to the Church. Not a bad idea. But then she added that she wanted to go into Chicago and give that money to the homeless.
What?
Not in cash form, but in necessities or gift card form.
Still.... what?
Immediately it made my stomach drop and my throat get scratchy. I got upset, angry upset. It was apparent to my friend that I disliked the idea, so she asked a valid question: why?
I started making up reasons from not feeling "called" to that area of ministry to feeling a need to help those in my "bubble" first and what not. When eventually I said it. "It makes me feel uncomfortable." Selfish, I know. I know the words coming out of my mouth made me sound like a horrible person. But I was uncomfortable walking up to the homeless in the underground of Chicago and handling them a bundle of bananas. I just didn't want to do it and I told my friend that. She was fine with it.
The feelings should have ended there right? Nope, because God has an unpopular sense of humor.
Tonight I went to a Bible study with the same friend. We are working through a book called Radical. Guess what it is about?
So we are talking and a passage in the book comes up that compares modern-gospel to biblical gospel. Here is the part:
"The modern-day gospel says, "God loves you and has a [perfect] plan for your life. Therefore, follow these steps, and you can be saved." Meanwhile, the biblical-gospel says, "You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, and in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do.""
I got angry again. I didn't see how the two couldn't combine. Why can't they both be true? Why can't I believe in a gospel that tells me both?
Then I thought about the plan with Chicago. I wasn't ready. And a God who loves me and has a wonderfully perfect plan for my life, wouldn't make me do something that made me uncomfortable, would he? He loves me and would never ask me to do something I wasn't ready for. Something I wasn't comfortable doing.
Except that He would. And that's when the tears came. People who know me and know my faith story know that I struggle with compassion. I have lived with the belief that you are who you are because you chose to be that way. Sure I have compassion for the ones that ended up where they were by bad circumstances. The girl who was raped by a boyfriend and is now pregnant. The man who was hacked and cleaned out who now lives on the street. But those who made bad choices? The husband who cheated on his wife and is now out of a job, home, and relationship. The women who choose to eat her sorrows away, yet complain about the way she looks daily. I lack pity.
I have worked very hard to be where I am. I got good grades to get a good scholarship to go to college. I worked out to lose the 15 lbs I have so far. I put effort into my friendships and relationships with my family. So when those people who do nothing, get everything, I get upset. When they get nothing, well then oh well. They should have worked harder.
I am comfortable where I am and I deserve the things I have. Why should I change that for others who didn't work for it? Why do they deserve a handout?
Because God gave me one called mercy and grace.
I also get upset because I feel like I am called to help but my schedule demands so much of my time already. between classes, church, homework, observation hours, and everything in between, there are just not enough hours in a day. BUT I WANT TO HELP! And I get frustrated because I can't. Physically I can't. Financially I can't. And I hate that. Sometimes I feel like praying is just not good enough.
I want to do more. I ask God to show me how I can do more. I want to use my talents. The things I am good at. The things He blessed me with.
That is why it was a horrid and good day at the same time.
