Walking Into Doors

So I know I haven't posted in a while, and this may just be the half-priced appetizers talking, but my very fun, hilarious night quickly turned into a time of reflection and slight panic.

I just got done going out to Applebee's with an AMAZING group of friends whom I love and adore with all my heart. They make me laugh, and, because of the laughing, make me cry. I forget all my worries when I am around them. I don't fret over upcoming assignments or dwell over my inner struggles, I just live in the moment. And that moment is beautiful.

But then I have realizations like the one I am currently having. In just a few short months, I need to make the decision to stay or leave. College ends. Some will continue our educations and others will find jobs. And it is a guarantee that not all of us will stay in Illinois.

Since freshman year, I have wanted to leave this place. This bubble. Don't get me wrong, Olivet can be a great place, but at many times I have felt like I don't belong. I don't feel smart enough. I don't feel trendy enough. I just couldn't seem to find my groove. But I stayed. Why? Because of the relationships I had made with the people here. (Plus, it would have been too complicated to transfer anywhere else.) For the past four years, it has been my decision to stay, and stay I did. But now, I am being forced to leave. And the truth is, I don't want to leave. And I don't want anyone else to leave either.

I love my family, but I have moved so much in the last ten years that I don't know where home is. I don't go home on breaks to old high school pals. If I go home after college, I don't know what will await me. Sure I will have my parents, my doggy, and WHC. But I don't know if that is the future for me, or if that is even a future at all.

We are the Breakfast Club. A group of people who, on paper, should not mesh, but, in real life, could not be more right for each other. I have sisters here. I have brothers here. I see them every day and my life shines a little brighter because of that. And that is a constant that I can depend on. I want to stay, because I know that I have finally found my groove. I consider these people my family. A family I have gotten to choose, and I am proud of the choices I have made.

But then I get sad again, because I know that even if I stay,my new family will not. Most will leave because of grad school. Others will leave because that is where home is. They know what they are doing. They have a plan. And I am stuck here with this decision like a five year old staring at a map in New York City. Confused, scared, and overwhelmed. I am lost. Totally and completely. My options are so unlimited, that I just want someone to tell me what to do. (Not that I would listen, because I am too stubborn anyway.) But if I stay, I might regret it. I'll be living under the impression that things will stay the same when I know for a fact they won't.

I guess the summary of this miniature freak-out is that I don't want to regret any decision I make. Honestly, at this point, I am just waiting on a sign from God. The Big Guy really hasn't given me anything but fog lately. Sometimes, I feel like He shuts more doors than He opens. But, I can't stay here, as an Olivet student, so He has to keep one of them open I guess. I suppose I'll know it when I walk through it, and not just into it.

Relationships: As Told By A Single Woman

Okay, so the reason for this post is because I literally cannot stop thinking. I am lying in bed, trying to sleep because I need to be up at 6am, and my mind will not shut off. The wheels have no brake and the hamster won't get off for some water. It is driving me nuts. What is driving me nuts you might ask? Good question! The answer is: Relationships.

 I mean if I am being honest with myself, I probably will not get a boyfriend before I leave college. And if that is the case, then what does dating outside of school even mean? I have lived my whole life believing that a relationship means that you go to school, are attached at the hip for the next eight hours, go home, and then are attached by your phones for the next six until you fake argue about who is going to hang up first. THAT IS NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUPPOSE TO WORK!! And they definitely aren't going to work that way in "adult land".

I have talked to many of my friends who are in relationships, and a few of them are a little too dependent on each other some times. To be fair, the way they are dependent probably has to do with their age and where they are in life. But I never have, and refuse to ever, feel the need to ask a significant other, or other person in general for permission to do something that only directly affects me. Other than my parents when I was like 15. But here I hear one say to another, "Is it alright if I go grab coffee with a friend?" or "If you are okay with it, I am going to go get my haircut tomorrow." Seriously. SERIOUSLY?! They are your significant other, not your mommy. If we don't have plans and I want to meet up with a friend, I am going to do it. Case closed. Maybe I feel like this because my parents taught me that although you are in a relationship, you are still your own independent person. My mom always asked my dad what he thought of her dying her hair before she did it, and he always replied, "It is your hair. Do with it what you like." But really, being in a relationship in the adult world means being independent and dependent at the same time. The only things I feel I would need to check with another person for would be things that directly impact them, things that require a commitment from both of us. <End Rant>

Another thing, how do you meet someone in the real world. I was thinking about it and, seriously, where am I suppose to meet someone? My life isn't a four minute music video where are great looking guy in a fedora is going to buy me a heart shaped pastry in a coffee shop. The only places I am going to frequent in a normal week are my place of employment (an elementary school), the gym, and church. Hmmm... so my choices are single dads, body builders, and bible study leaders. Awesome. I am sure they are all great people, but then the next thing comes in. I am not, or should not really, be in a dating mindset in any of those scenarios. When I am at work, I am focused on my students. At the gym, I am focused on myself. And at church, I am focused on God. So where do I meet someone with the idea of a second date in mind? Internet. HA. I laugh now, but I am sure I will resort to it at some point. You know why? 1) My life is not a romantic comedy and 2) I'm a realist and don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

Finally, when I eventually meet this superhero with a 401K and a chiseled chin, what does the actual dating thing look like? I mean in college, it is a movie from Redbox and a pizza to share from Little Caesars. Add in a futon and you are golden. But seriously, you both have jobs and lives. And how do you then define the relationship? Boyfriend/girlfriend or just "dating"? And to be fair and honest, it is even more difficult as a Christian. In the secular world, most couples cohabitate. Which almost always leads to a sexually active relationship as well. Both a no-no in most (really all) Christian circles. So while in a secular relationship, you might see each other every night, that may not be practical when living a life of abstinence. It probably isn't practical at all. Probably once or twice a week is more realistic.

Dating after school kind of sounds like the pits. And to be honest, I am really glad I am single at the present moment. That might change tomorrow, but probably not. For the first time, I am looking forward to having a job, single apartment (pet friendly of course) with a dog close to a park, a regular corner at a local coffee shop, membership at a gym, and a church family. I am ready to be my own and not have to think about another person for a little bit. A time to find out who I am and what I want. And then... sign up for eHarmony.

"Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today."

So with all the engagements happening over this holiday season, I can't help but let my mind wander. I know I am only twenty-years-old. I know that I am only in my junior year of college with a heavy course load to follow in the final three semesters (gosh, I remember when it was eight...). I am fully conscious of the fact that this time in my life in not the ideal time to be in a relationship, let alone be the time to let my mind play with the idea of marriage. But I can't help it.

I have grown up dreaming about the day I get married. Having the beautiful white dress, gorgeous bridesmaids by my side, the man I love waiting for me at the front of the church, and my father crying as he sees me for the first time and walks me down the isle. I just figured it would be the perfect day to lead into the life I've been looking forward to my whole life.

But like I said, here I sit. Single and twenty, having had only two relationships which both only lasted for 6 weeks at the most. Not exactly a professional here. But to be completely honest, marriage is something I had considered with both of those relationships. Silly and juvenile, but 100% the truth. I knew growing up that dating was only a vessel in which to find the man I was going to some day grow old with. But as I see everyone around me celebrating engagements, I am starting to re-evaluate my standards for who I date. Because as I think about it, I have a confession. I am very superficial.

I could blame it on the media and their depiction of the ideal man as built and defined. I could blame it on Disney and their message of the idea of prince charming sweeping me off my feet. I can blame chick flicks and their plot lines that scream to their female audience that we can change a man to be the guy we need. But in all reality, I made that standard all myself. I have told myself that my need for a physically attractive guy comes from the fact that there needs to be physical attraction in a relationship, which is true but not to the extent I have taken it to.

I want to be less superficial, I really do. But at the same time, I don't want to have to be. I would like to think that if a guy came along who was not to my physical standards, I would be able to look past that and give him a chance. This is a hope that stems from my past two relationships. Two relationships that I had rushed into due to physical attraction, rather than my knowledge of their morals and aspirations.

I realize now that I am not ready for a serious relationship. I really wish I was. But if I am honest with myself, I am not. Not even close, though I hope this brings me light years closer.

So for now, I am going to have to work on me. My perceptions, my morals, my aspirations. So while the single bug may stay with me for a little bit longer and may get me down in the dumps every once in a while, I know this is a necessary step. And anyone who knows me, knows this is a difficult thing for me to admit. But I look forward to the day when some guy walks into my life and I am comfortable in myself and with him where I can take the next step towards my big day. It will all be in God's own timing. And for now, he has hid the remote with the fast-forward button. And I can pout, but all that will do is get me put in time-out longer.

Razzle Frazzle

Ignore the name. I just couldn't think of anything catchy or eye-appealing.

Today was a horrid day. Today was a good day. How? Let me explain.

Today was fine until a friend brought something up. She was interested in doing something that Jesus preached Christians should do. Taking His words literally. Her idea was to sell something that was of value to us and using that money to give back to the Church. Not a bad idea. But then she added that she wanted to go into Chicago and give that money to the homeless.

What?

Not in cash form, but in necessities or gift card form.

Still.... what?

Immediately it made my stomach drop and my throat get scratchy. I got upset, angry upset. It was apparent to my friend that I disliked the idea, so she asked a valid question: why?

I started making up reasons from not feeling "called" to that area of ministry to feeling a need to help those in my "bubble" first and what not. When eventually I said it. "It makes me feel uncomfortable." Selfish, I know. I know the words coming out of my mouth made me sound like a horrible person. But I was uncomfortable walking up to the homeless in the underground of Chicago and handling them a bundle of bananas. I just didn't want to do it and I told my friend that. She was fine with it.

The feelings should have ended there right? Nope, because God has an unpopular sense of humor.

Tonight I went to a Bible study with the same friend. We are working through a book called Radical. Guess what it is about?

So we are talking and a passage in the book comes up that compares modern-gospel to biblical gospel. Here is the part:

"The modern-day gospel says, "God loves you and has a [perfect] plan for your life. Therefore, follow these steps, and you can be saved." Meanwhile, the biblical-gospel says, "You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, and in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do.""

I got angry again. I didn't see how the two couldn't combine. Why can't they both be true? Why can't I believe in a gospel that tells me both?

Then I thought about the plan with Chicago. I wasn't ready. And a God who loves me and has a wonderfully perfect plan for my life, wouldn't make me do something that made me uncomfortable, would he? He loves me and would never ask me to do something I wasn't ready for. Something I wasn't comfortable doing.

Except that He would. And that's when the tears came. People who know me and know my faith story know that I struggle with compassion. I have lived with the belief that you are who you are because you chose to be that way. Sure I have compassion for the ones that ended up where they were by bad circumstances. The girl who was raped by a boyfriend and is now pregnant. The man who was hacked and cleaned out who now lives on the street. But those who made bad choices? The husband who cheated on his wife and is now out of a job, home, and relationship. The women who choose to eat her sorrows away, yet complain about the way she looks daily. I lack pity.

I have worked very hard to be where I am. I got good grades to get a good scholarship to go to college. I worked out to lose the 15 lbs I have so far. I put effort into my friendships and relationships with my family. So when those people who do nothing, get everything, I get upset. When they get nothing, well then oh well. They should have worked harder.

I am comfortable where I am and I deserve the things I have. Why should I change that for others who didn't work for it? Why do they deserve a handout?

Because God gave me one called mercy and grace.

I also get upset because I feel like I am called to help but my schedule demands so much of my time already. between classes, church, homework, observation hours, and everything in between, there are just not enough  hours in a day. BUT I WANT TO HELP! And I get frustrated because I can't. Physically I can't. Financially I can't. And I hate that. Sometimes I feel like praying is just not good enough.

I want to do more. I ask God to show me how I can do more. I want to use my talents. The things I am good at. The things He blessed me with.

That is why it was a horrid and good day at the same time.

Lent... But I Am Not Catholic...

Okay, so I never understood why, as a Protestant, I participate in Lent every year. Also, why we treat it like a diet. The purpose of Lent is to replace something you do every day, something that would be difficult to give up, something that is hindering your relationship and prayer life with God, and dedicate the time you would use for that thing to talk to God or read your Bible or at least do something that aided in growth in your relationship with Christ. I mean I could give up coffee, and every time I think of coffee I would say a little prayer. Or I could give up Facebook or my blog and use the time I spend on these social networks in prayer and meditation. But in six weeks, I would be right back at it. It's like joining AA, but then hitting the bottle every Sunday because I can. Now I commend those who are giving something up, but please do it because it will, in the long run, help your relationship with God.

One of my friends shared my view of Lent with me today. He said what I had been thinking. He said, "The way I see it, you can do one of two things for Lent. You can give something up or you can do something." So that is what I am doing. Something. I have chosen to join a wave of people who are participating in something called 'Relentless ACT:S of Sacrifice'. Every week of Lent, they are providing me and others with a challenge to dive deeper into what sacrifice means to us and what we can sacrifice for His kingdom. The first challenge is to post a video, blog, poem, rap, whatever you want that tells your story. They want you to say what sacrifice means to you, and what you plan to get out of this experience. So this is me...

I am a daughter, friend, tutor, employee, student, classmate, and teacher for Christ. My name is Aimee Fish. I am 19 years old, and I have not accomplished anything big in my life... yet. I have big expectations of what sacrifice means. Sacrifice to me is complete surrender. It isn't about you. Not in the least bit. Your job is to be a servant. Not just to those who need it, but to those who don't as well. Who are you to say that someone doesn't need your help? "Oh well they have plenty of money. They couldn't possibly need my help." "Look at how many friends they have. I'm sure they are getting all the help they need." I say this because I was that person. I still am in a lot of ways. But I am getting better at showing my true colors. I was the person who put on the facade to make it look like I had it all together. Even when people offered me help, I refused. It was like I felt I had to prove myself. I hated relying on others. I still do. It is what I struggle with every day. It is people like me who I try hardest to reach out to. Those who think they need to go it alone. Sacrifice is laying down your pride and picking up the cross. It is helping others to see the light. Sometimes, it is just being there to pick them up when they fall.  Sacrifice requires all of you.

What do I hope to get out of this? Well, better understanding. I plan to wake up every day and ask God to open my eyes to the opportunities of sacrifices He provides to me. In all honesty, I want to help others. I want to be a better friend and daughter. I want to be a better sister. I want to be a better student. I want to be better so I can help others be better. I can't help others if I can't help myself. But my help needs to come from others as well. But most importantly, it needs to come from the Lord. He needs to be my priority. I want to sacrifice physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even financially. I hope to become a better follower of Christ. Maybe this was just the shove I need to do something be. I look forward to seeing how God provides and the plans He has for my life this Lent season.

Valentine's Day Is What You Make It.

So I have to say that I am guilty of being a hater. I don't like that I am 19, yet have never had a valentine to celebrate this holiday with. And it is not me being greedy. I just want someone to call mine. Someone to smile at and wish them a "Happy Valentines Day".  But I realized something today...

I don't need that, because, in a way, I already have it.

Today started just like every other day. I woke up and got ready for class, or what today would be a field trip. I check my mailbox to find a card from my best friend and a valentine from another friend. I know my best friend loves me, and means it, yet I sort of expected it. So although I appreciate it and I love her, I still have kind of a blah attitude about the rest of the day.

Everything was going smoothly until I had to get ready for work. I really didn't want to go into an elementary school to work with sugared up children. Not only that, but I knew schedules would be crazy and I just didn't want to deal with it. I wanted to have the entire day to coup myself up and forget this day was happening. I was even going to skip dinner in the cafeteria, and just get a sandwich from one of the other food places on campus. But I told my teacher that I would be there, and I was.

I walked into the room to find that my first group of students were gone at the library. My schedule was already screwed up and I didn't like it. So grumpily, I updated my Facebook status and set to get ready to see what students were available to work with. Then my teacher walked in. She gave me a box of chocolates and a pink construction paper heart with all the kids signatures on it. I wanted to cry. It was then I started to realized just how loved I was. I didn't even care that my name was spelt wrong. Also, something else new happened. My teacher and I talked. Like had a good conversation about my field trip, students, and education issues. It was thanks to this that I was reassured again that elementary school teaching was where I belong. She told me just how much she and the students appreciate me. She also reminded me that, for some of the students, I am the only non-teacher encouragement they receive. That hit me pretty hard. But then I realized just how great of an opportunity I have been given. I love my students. All of them. No matter what. And I would do anything to express my love and desire for them to succeed to them. I joined teaching for them. Not for the salary, or the benefits, or the vacation time. But for them. To see them succeed and learn.

Not only did I get candy from my teacher, but one of my students, who I did not expect anything from, gave me a holographic Scooby-Doo valentine. And I love it. I also came back to my dorm to find two fortune cookie valentines with Hershey's kisses  and "fortunes" in them.

This post doesn't come close to showing how loved I feel and how much I appreciate my life and those in it. I was reminded what real love is today. Both in practice, and in Word. The Word. One of my fortune cookies had this in it: "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to His commands. As you have heard from the beginning, His command is that you walk in love." (2 John 1:6) I love God, and I love how He uses things and people to show us His love as well.

So you can hate this day all you want. You can be bitter, hateful, and plain right nasty. But you can't deny the power of God's love. You can hate this day, but you shouldn't. This holiday is not about having a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is not about who gets flowers or who gets the most candy. This holiday is not out to get all the single people and make them feel worthless. This holiday is meant to show you how loved you are. It is meant for you to show others how much you love them. We can use it to show the love of God and have it shown to us. Granted, you shouldn't need an excuse to do that. But since we have it, why not take advantage of it?

Happy Valentines Day. Remember, you are beautiful. And you are loved more than you know.

I'll stand with arms high... but the question is "Why?"

When I was younger, like around 10, there was a girl in my youth group who I looked up to. She was older, and smart and pretty, and I just could tell that she was the kind of person I wanted to be when I was older. One of the things she would do was raise her hands and close her eyes as she sang in church. When i saw that, all I could think was, 'Wow. I can't wait until I am at the point in my relationship with God where I can do that and not feel embarrassed by the the people staring at me for looking so spiritual.' Well I am at that point now, and have been for some years, and I realize that raising your hands while praising God is more than what I thought it was. To me, it means that I am fully surrendered. I have nothing to give, yet I want Him to have it all and am giving it to Him. But that's hard for non-Christians and even some Christians to understand. And within the last year, I have heard two real life examples explaining what it means to be fully surrendered. One I liked, and one that really bothered me.

The first one that I enjoyed and can relate to is one that a friend of mine told me this summer. She had heard it at a Christian music festival and to me, it makes so much sense. The guy she heard it from explained it as an infant and their father or mother (for this sake, I will use father). When a baby is tired or upset, they lift their hands up, usually wailing or sniffling, for their father to pick them up and cuddle them. They need the comfort of their parent to make them feel better. They don't just sit there, get frustrated, and curse their parent for not having the intuition to know they need them, When i lift my hands in praise or prayer, it's because I am saying that I need you Father. I can't do this on my own and all I need is your gentle hand to hold me and let me know that you have it. Also, a parent knows that their child will alert them, whether it be by crying or whatnot.  A parent doesn't cradle them while they squirm and cry to get down. Same goes for me. There are times when I have the assurance that my Father is right there with me and I need not worry, but I don't need Him to hold me at those times. But God doesn't stand there about to swoop me up the minute I start to sniffle, but has His arms out ready for ME to decide when to grab on. Parents give their kids some free will, and so does my God. So when I lift my arm in praise or prayer, I am like a helpless infant crying out to my Father, who's standing with arms wide open, to pick me up, messes and blessings both, and love me regardless of my faults.

Then there was the comparison that I didn't care for. In church the other day, I heard the preacher compare raising your hands in praise to a stick up. He said that when you raise your arms, it's like you are being robbed and you are saying that you surrender entirely. Which is fine in retrospect, but that would make God the robber. And I don't know about anyone else, but that is not the God I worship. It is not a God I would want to worship. God doesn't hold a gun to our faces and say "Make a choice." He waits for us to come to Him. So although I agree that raising our hands is an act of entire surrender, but not that God is the one holding the gun.

These are just my thoughts. I was just really upset yesterday with the second comparison because of what it was implying about my Heavenly Father. If you have any comparisons that you have come up with or have heard of, let me know. I would love to hear them :)