I'll stand with arms high... but the question is "Why?"

When I was younger, like around 10, there was a girl in my youth group who I looked up to. She was older, and smart and pretty, and I just could tell that she was the kind of person I wanted to be when I was older. One of the things she would do was raise her hands and close her eyes as she sang in church. When i saw that, all I could think was, 'Wow. I can't wait until I am at the point in my relationship with God where I can do that and not feel embarrassed by the the people staring at me for looking so spiritual.' Well I am at that point now, and have been for some years, and I realize that raising your hands while praising God is more than what I thought it was. To me, it means that I am fully surrendered. I have nothing to give, yet I want Him to have it all and am giving it to Him. But that's hard for non-Christians and even some Christians to understand. And within the last year, I have heard two real life examples explaining what it means to be fully surrendered. One I liked, and one that really bothered me.

The first one that I enjoyed and can relate to is one that a friend of mine told me this summer. She had heard it at a Christian music festival and to me, it makes so much sense. The guy she heard it from explained it as an infant and their father or mother (for this sake, I will use father). When a baby is tired or upset, they lift their hands up, usually wailing or sniffling, for their father to pick them up and cuddle them. They need the comfort of their parent to make them feel better. They don't just sit there, get frustrated, and curse their parent for not having the intuition to know they need them, When i lift my hands in praise or prayer, it's because I am saying that I need you Father. I can't do this on my own and all I need is your gentle hand to hold me and let me know that you have it. Also, a parent knows that their child will alert them, whether it be by crying or whatnot.  A parent doesn't cradle them while they squirm and cry to get down. Same goes for me. There are times when I have the assurance that my Father is right there with me and I need not worry, but I don't need Him to hold me at those times. But God doesn't stand there about to swoop me up the minute I start to sniffle, but has His arms out ready for ME to decide when to grab on. Parents give their kids some free will, and so does my God. So when I lift my arm in praise or prayer, I am like a helpless infant crying out to my Father, who's standing with arms wide open, to pick me up, messes and blessings both, and love me regardless of my faults.

Then there was the comparison that I didn't care for. In church the other day, I heard the preacher compare raising your hands in praise to a stick up. He said that when you raise your arms, it's like you are being robbed and you are saying that you surrender entirely. Which is fine in retrospect, but that would make God the robber. And I don't know about anyone else, but that is not the God I worship. It is not a God I would want to worship. God doesn't hold a gun to our faces and say "Make a choice." He waits for us to come to Him. So although I agree that raising our hands is an act of entire surrender, but not that God is the one holding the gun.

These are just my thoughts. I was just really upset yesterday with the second comparison because of what it was implying about my Heavenly Father. If you have any comparisons that you have come up with or have heard of, let me know. I would love to hear them :)

Hello Happiness.

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." - Mark Twain



"So hold your head high gorgeous, people would kill to see you fall. In the dead of the night they can’t hear you screaming. You swear revenge, against them all." - Author Unknown


It is an interesting concept. That is the connection between anger and happiness. You can't be both. It is impossible. Because they are very opposite and strong emotions. And that is my "Ah-Ha" moment tonight. I realized I wanted both. I want to be angry at those who have hurt me. I want to hold that grudge, because for some reason I thought that if I gave up that feeling, I had lost. I have always seen forfeit as failure. And I don't want them to win. But at the same time, I have been searching for happiness. I want to be able to smile until my cheeks hurt, laugh until my mascara has been washed away completely, and to feel safe emotionally. 


But this is what I discovered tonight. That my anger hurts no one but myself and those around me trying to help me gain happiness. My anger came out as jealousy, low-self worth, and bitterness. Well no more. I have learned that to give up my anger is not to lose a battle, but to win the war. Those who hurt me, who lied to me, who laugh at my misery cringe at the thought that I am moving on. That I have forgiven them. Sure there will be others that will want to do me harm, but I have protected now. It's like my own secret service who job is to remind me to choose happiness daily. But it isn't just others who have hurt me. I have hurt myself. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Even in the past couple days, I have doubted my worthiness and asked myself if I am really worthy of the life I had been blessed with and the people around me. 


But no more. I forgive those who have hurt me. I forgive those who are going to hurt me. And most importantly, I forgive myself. I am my biggest critic. But you see, I have more than I deserve. Recent events have shown me how lucky I am. Because I am smart. I am funny. And I am beautiful. 


So I say now," Hello Happiness. I've been searching for you."