"Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today."

So with all the engagements happening over this holiday season, I can't help but let my mind wander. I know I am only twenty-years-old. I know that I am only in my junior year of college with a heavy course load to follow in the final three semesters (gosh, I remember when it was eight...). I am fully conscious of the fact that this time in my life in not the ideal time to be in a relationship, let alone be the time to let my mind play with the idea of marriage. But I can't help it.

I have grown up dreaming about the day I get married. Having the beautiful white dress, gorgeous bridesmaids by my side, the man I love waiting for me at the front of the church, and my father crying as he sees me for the first time and walks me down the isle. I just figured it would be the perfect day to lead into the life I've been looking forward to my whole life.

But like I said, here I sit. Single and twenty, having had only two relationships which both only lasted for 6 weeks at the most. Not exactly a professional here. But to be completely honest, marriage is something I had considered with both of those relationships. Silly and juvenile, but 100% the truth. I knew growing up that dating was only a vessel in which to find the man I was going to some day grow old with. But as I see everyone around me celebrating engagements, I am starting to re-evaluate my standards for who I date. Because as I think about it, I have a confession. I am very superficial.

I could blame it on the media and their depiction of the ideal man as built and defined. I could blame it on Disney and their message of the idea of prince charming sweeping me off my feet. I can blame chick flicks and their plot lines that scream to their female audience that we can change a man to be the guy we need. But in all reality, I made that standard all myself. I have told myself that my need for a physically attractive guy comes from the fact that there needs to be physical attraction in a relationship, which is true but not to the extent I have taken it to.

I want to be less superficial, I really do. But at the same time, I don't want to have to be. I would like to think that if a guy came along who was not to my physical standards, I would be able to look past that and give him a chance. This is a hope that stems from my past two relationships. Two relationships that I had rushed into due to physical attraction, rather than my knowledge of their morals and aspirations.

I realize now that I am not ready for a serious relationship. I really wish I was. But if I am honest with myself, I am not. Not even close, though I hope this brings me light years closer.

So for now, I am going to have to work on me. My perceptions, my morals, my aspirations. So while the single bug may stay with me for a little bit longer and may get me down in the dumps every once in a while, I know this is a necessary step. And anyone who knows me, knows this is a difficult thing for me to admit. But I look forward to the day when some guy walks into my life and I am comfortable in myself and with him where I can take the next step towards my big day. It will all be in God's own timing. And for now, he has hid the remote with the fast-forward button. And I can pout, but all that will do is get me put in time-out longer.