Walking Into Doors

So I know I haven't posted in a while, and this may just be the half-priced appetizers talking, but my very fun, hilarious night quickly turned into a time of reflection and slight panic.

I just got done going out to Applebee's with an AMAZING group of friends whom I love and adore with all my heart. They make me laugh, and, because of the laughing, make me cry. I forget all my worries when I am around them. I don't fret over upcoming assignments or dwell over my inner struggles, I just live in the moment. And that moment is beautiful.

But then I have realizations like the one I am currently having. In just a few short months, I need to make the decision to stay or leave. College ends. Some will continue our educations and others will find jobs. And it is a guarantee that not all of us will stay in Illinois.

Since freshman year, I have wanted to leave this place. This bubble. Don't get me wrong, Olivet can be a great place, but at many times I have felt like I don't belong. I don't feel smart enough. I don't feel trendy enough. I just couldn't seem to find my groove. But I stayed. Why? Because of the relationships I had made with the people here. (Plus, it would have been too complicated to transfer anywhere else.) For the past four years, it has been my decision to stay, and stay I did. But now, I am being forced to leave. And the truth is, I don't want to leave. And I don't want anyone else to leave either.

I love my family, but I have moved so much in the last ten years that I don't know where home is. I don't go home on breaks to old high school pals. If I go home after college, I don't know what will await me. Sure I will have my parents, my doggy, and WHC. But I don't know if that is the future for me, or if that is even a future at all.

We are the Breakfast Club. A group of people who, on paper, should not mesh, but, in real life, could not be more right for each other. I have sisters here. I have brothers here. I see them every day and my life shines a little brighter because of that. And that is a constant that I can depend on. I want to stay, because I know that I have finally found my groove. I consider these people my family. A family I have gotten to choose, and I am proud of the choices I have made.

But then I get sad again, because I know that even if I stay,my new family will not. Most will leave because of grad school. Others will leave because that is where home is. They know what they are doing. They have a plan. And I am stuck here with this decision like a five year old staring at a map in New York City. Confused, scared, and overwhelmed. I am lost. Totally and completely. My options are so unlimited, that I just want someone to tell me what to do. (Not that I would listen, because I am too stubborn anyway.) But if I stay, I might regret it. I'll be living under the impression that things will stay the same when I know for a fact they won't.

I guess the summary of this miniature freak-out is that I don't want to regret any decision I make. Honestly, at this point, I am just waiting on a sign from God. The Big Guy really hasn't given me anything but fog lately. Sometimes, I feel like He shuts more doors than He opens. But, I can't stay here, as an Olivet student, so He has to keep one of them open I guess. I suppose I'll know it when I walk through it, and not just into it.